I know, I know. All my brothers are
probably getting pretty tired of me beating up on them. I get that. I promise
that today’s posting won’t be as quite as “hard hitting” as the last couple of
days. There's not much about being willing to die for your wife, or being the spiritual
leader, or how lousy a husband you are. Instead, today I just want to work on changing
your perspective.
The interesting thing is that Paul’s
pattern here is sort of the reverse of his normal one. Usually he presents
doctrinal truth X, then tells us “Because X is true, you need to do Y.” In the section of Paul’s
instructions to husbands, however, he does the opposite. He tells us to love
our wives just as Christ loved the church. We do this through 1) making
sacrifices, whatever’s necessary for her well-being, and 2) being the spiritual
leader, taking the initiative on prayer, Bible reading, family and corporate
worship, generally doing things God’s way, etc.
In earlier verses, he told us what to do. Now he's telling us why to do it, a deep theological truth to motivate us. Of course,
if God tells you to do something, that’s all the reason you should need. But here in
this passage Paul gives us more. Interestingly enough, he submits self-interest as a great reason to
be the husband you’re supposed to be.
On my other blog (the political one),
I have a posting
on the difference between selfishness and self-interest. To summarize my argument
there, selfishness is putting your own desires before the needs of others. You
see someone in need, and you choose to help yourself instead of them. The most
obvious examples of this are in the story
commonly known as “The Good Samaritan,” in which both a priest and a Levite saw
a man possibly dying on the road and walked on the other side to avoid him.
Self-interest is different. You eat
healthy because you care about yourself. You exercise because you care about
yourself. You fasten your seatbelt because you care about yourself. Now,
granted, the higher reason you should take care of yourself is because you
belong to Someone Else and you’re accountable to him for the body he’s lent
you. But in and of itself, there’s nothing wrong with self-interest in the
sense we’re using it.
In fact, in this case, self-interest
and selfishness are not only hugely different, they’re mutually exclusive. Let
me explain.
You remember when we talked
about how Paul in Romans chapter 12 told us to live with each other? The truth
we need to take to heart is the essential unity of the Body of Christ. I mean
that we’re part of one Body, whether we acknowledge it or not, or whether we
even know it or not. The ways in which we treat each other are supposed to be based
on that truth.
It’s the same principle at work
here. When you were joined in marriage, you were united as “one flesh.” This union
will last as long as you both live. This union is there whether you acknowledge
it or not, whether you even know it or not. And. . . it’s there whether you
live in accordance with it or not.
Truth is true whether I know it or
not, whether I believe it or not, whether I acknowledge it not, or whether I
act on it or not. I may not A) know about, B) believe in, C) acknowledge, or D)
act in the light of gravity. But the law of gravity remains unchanged, and if I walk off the roof of my house, I
ignore that law to my loss.
You’re united with your wife as “one
flesh.” What does this mean?
·
Nothing affects you which doesn’t affect your wife. What hurts you
hurts her. When she’s doing well, that picks you up. It’s the same thing as
with your physical body: If your arm is wounded, then your whole body 1)
suffers along with it, and 2) expends resources to the wounded part and works towards
healing the wound. On the other hand, if you get a back massage, then your whole body “rejoices”
along with it.
·
There’s no such thing as individual success or
failure. Just like any team sport, we either succeed together or fail together. This applies to each and every area
of life: financial, spiritual, emotional, sexual, etc.
·
Just
to emphasize the spiritual aspect, this is a self-interested reason why I need
to be concerned about my wife’s spiritual growth. If/when she grows closer to
Christ, I benefit. If/when I stagnate or regress, we both suffer.
·
As
a corollary, there’s really no such thing as winning or losing an argument. If
we have a disagreement, then we either get closer to the truth at the end of it
(in which case we both succeed), or we don’t (in which case we’ve both failed). We're never really in competition with each other.
Let’s turn to the converse of this
truth. None of us perfectly love our wives like Paul’s told us to. I get that.
I don’t love my wife nearly as much as I should. But we need to understand that to the degree that I don’t love my wife the
way I’m supposed to, I’m hurting myself. When I hurt her, it’s not just immoral, it’s
stupid and self-destructive.
That’s what I meant when I said that
I want to change your perspective. If you and I actually gain and retain this
perspective, we’ll have much better marriages.
Is that what you want?
Father God, how foolish is it when I only look to my needs, my wants, my hurts, as if I’m alone in this. Please help me to love my wife, treat her as the precious jewel she is, and live in the light of this great and glorious truth. For my sake, but much much much more for yours. By your grace.
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